The question that you raise is one that I have wondered about, and sometimes struggled with, for many years: are we biased if our sexual attraction or preferences exclude whole classes of people? Am I, a white gay male, a racist because I find Asian and Black men appealing, but am not drawn to men who look like me?

I spent seven years married to a woman with a healthy libido and tried desperately to pray or will myself straight. It wasn’t fair to her and it didn’t work. I then had relationships with other white men, whose companionship I eagerly sought — but no matter how much I wanted it to happen, there was never any excitement in watching them undress.

Skin color wasn’t the only barrier. Older males are a turnoff, even when I craved their friendship. In fact, I spent 13 years trying to overcome that particular bias — to no avail. Genitalia that are too large or too small are yet another hurdle. I have known two trans men that I might have dated but they were off limits due to our working relationships. I have been acquainted with other trans men who were “no go” from the start.

Maybe we are genetically programmed for attraction … nature’s way of mixing and matching us to facilitate the widest possible range of evolutionary options. Maybe visual attraction is much more essential for some people than others. I honestly don’t know. I do know that staying up after your partner has gone to bed because you “have to work,” or lying in bed next to your partner, knowing that you have disappointed him or her again, is a special kind of hell.

And nearing the end of my seventh decade on this planet, having honestly tried to subordinate sexual attraction to appreciation of the “whole person,” I know that I am open to deep, loving friendships with all people and I relish diversity in my circle of friends. But when it comes to long-term, committed relationships, strong physical attraction is a prerequisite … and I can’t will it into existence.