Thanks for reading, Xander, and many thanks for the generous comments!
And thank you, as well, for sharing your own experience with polyamory. While I believe that polyamorous relationships can be a viable alternative for people seeking to share intimacy and/or the adventure of life with others, I prefer to think of my relationship with Lary as 'open.'
Some people in the poly lifestyle aspire to, as you noted, "make sure everyone is on equal footing." But I consciously did the opposite when I returned to the islands. My mind works best in a world where everything is clearly defined, filed in the proper place and labeled with bold lettering. No confusion, no questions.
Whenever I meet someone who seems likely to be more than a casual acquaintance, I tell him up front about Lary and the relationship that we have, emphasizing that the latter holds--and always will hold--a unique place in my circle of friends and lovers. As that circle has expanded, however, different roles have emerged for different people.
I refer to Lary as my boy friend (BF), while my best local friend (BLF) is Lloyd, who is ten years my junior. He generally stays with me one or two weekends each month. We frequently go to the theater together, and I have served as a mentor on work-related issues for him. On a more or less regular basis, we co-host small, overnight parties for a few of our gay friends. Lloyd has a very friendly relationship with Lary and often picks him up at the airport.
A small, fluctuating number of men--four to six at any given time--frequently drop in and hang out at my apartment. They fall into the friends with benefits (FWB) category and are usually on the guest list when Lloyd and I host an overnight party. They are all acquainted with Lary and on good terms--and they are all genuine friends of mine.
And finally, of course, there is the extended circle, which includes those who I will crudely but aptly refer to as fuck buddies (FB). These are men that I see less often; in some cases they live on one of the other islands, or even on the mainland. We get together whenever they are in Honolulu, or otherwise able, but while the relationship is friendly, it is essentially just physical.
Perhaps I am delusional, but it all seems to work very smoothly. There isn't a lot of competition because there isn't much room for movement within the circle. I chalk that up to defining roles and being clear where my priorities lie. But in one sense, at least, I do think that multiple partner arrangements are easier to negotiate among gays than among straights. We learn early on that we are viewed (and often despised) as sexual outlaws. That may make it easier for us to resist society's attempts to elevate monogamy and to conflate love with sex.
And finally, I will close by saying that you are quite perceptive: I would like to have Lary with me more than is possible at the present time. But I wouldn't say that it is a 'desperate' wish. I have made the best compromise currently possible to keep my two great loves in my life. One, of course, is Lary ... and the other is Hawai'i. I am a living, breathing case study of what psychologists refer to as place attachment. But that is another article, at another time.
