It is unfortunate that the word “cheating” has become synonymous with having sex outside of your primary relationship — the latter is a problem if one or both regard it as such, but cheating is much broader and deeper. In my mind, cheating is secretively taking some privilege or benefit for yourself that you are not allowing your partner to have. If you have a joint account and you both agree to deposit your paychecks in said account, but you hold some back on occasion, that too is cheating. So is lying about your age to a new, prospective partner. In other words, cheating is the interface of self-indulgence and dishonesty.

Sexual fidelity may or may not be important to you, and may or may not be a deal breaker … hopefully people have an honest discussion about that — and a lot of other potential landmines! — before entering into any kind of committed relationship. But non monogamy is only one way in which a person might “cheat” … and depending on the needs and feelings of the couple it is not necessarily the most important one.