"But when I talk to my friends, there’s a clear theme: a lot of us feel like we’re not even given a shot unless we meet this perfect, shiny standard."

A modest suggestion: find some new friends. Seriously. It sounds like you are immersed in a group of men who "don't mean to sound like [they are] blaming women for everything" but are, in fact, doing exactly that. Groups like that are self-reinforcing and very seductive ... when you come to the consensus that you have a shared victimhood, it becomes extremely difficult to pull back from the group-thought that you have collectively created. New and different friends might be helpful.